Friday, May 14, 2010 at 4:53pm
Haven't written one of these in a while, but I thought tonight's anecdote deserved to be told in some fashion.
I ate dinner with my family tonight (Uncle and Aunt, aunt is my mom's sister...they have 3 adopted kiddos.)
The oldest, Nicklaus, is like...13.
I ate dinner with my family tonight (Uncle and Aunt, aunt is my mom's sister...they have 3 adopted kiddos.)
The oldest, Nicklaus, is like...13.
He's the hispanic looking kid that stars in my latest short film,
The tale I'm gonna tell is about him.
I visited my hometown, Amarillo, last weekend and brought back with me my humble collection of classic consoles and games....my Super NES game collection (about 20 games I guess, not too many...my SNES broke down last year and I bought a new one here in Denver back in January at a place called BuyBack Games...but I had neither games nor a TV to play it with), a Sega Genesis and a Sega Genesis 3 (with a handful of games, including Primal Rage, NBA Jam, Sonic, etc.), and my original Nintendo (along with about 10 games including Mario/Duck Hunt with the original gun controller, of course).
After dinner with my family, I am usually dragged downstairs by one or more of the kids to the cold basement of the house to play with their Wii (that sounds really bad reading that back). Needless to say, after about 5 months of living here and eating dinner with the family once a week, I am tired of playing the old version of Medal of Honor for Wii, and even tired of MarioKart and Super Smash Bros (the only game I consistently want to play, which, for some reason, they never want to play.) SOOOOOO....
I remembered that I had my classic console collection (nice alliteration, eh?) in the trunk of my car still. I sat down the wii-mote (I still think I sound like a retarded kid with a speech impediment when I say that out loud) and declared unto the children:
"Children....I have brought something wonderful back from Amarillo with me."
Children: What is it?
Me: A Nintendo.
Nick: We have a nintendo.
Me: No, child. A real Nintendo.
Nick: A Nintendo Wii?
Me: No....no, a Nintendo.
Nick: (without looking up from his game). Oh like a Nintendo Gamecube.
Me: (at this point, I'm quite surprised that he isn't comprehending what I'm saying).
Nick. Not a Gamecube. A Nintendo.
Nick: What do you mean.....
(Pause. His eyes widen as he realizes something).
You mean...a Nintendo 64?!!
Me: (longer pause).
No, Nick. Not a Nintendo 64. I would have said 'Nintendo 64' if I had brought a Nintendo 64.
I'm talking about a Nintendo.
Nick: ...I don't get it.
Me: Wow.
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(switching back from semi-present tense dialogue to past tense narrative...or whatever).
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So I ran upstairs to go outside to my car and retrieve my gamestuffs. In passing Uncle Mike, I quickly said, "It's time to educate your son."
When I came back inside, I sat the bag of gaming goodness down on the dining room table. The kids looked in confusion as I proudly pulled the bulky box (oooh...double-alliteration, I'm on a roll) from the bag, setting down the original, classic Nintendo in all it's retro glory.
Caroline: What's that.
Me: It's....it's a Nintendo.
Caroline: Weird.
Me: Uh...yeah I guess so.
----------
We brought the games downstairs. It took me a while, but I set up the Nintendo and got it going on the right channel. At this point, Nick was off somewhere else being annoying, and Payton was downstairs, farting as usual and making the cold basement a colder, smellier basement.
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Me: Okay. Pick up the controller.
Payton: Which one is it? The gun? I want the gun.
Me: Yeah, okay, but you have to select Duck Hunt first and you have to choose what version you're gonna play.
Payton: Which one is the controller?
Me: Really? The one right there.
Payton: (picks up the unplugged, sega controller.) This one?
Me: No...no, Payton. That one. The one that looks like a candy bar.
Payton: Oh. Weird.
(pause).
Payton: I want to play the one with the gun. Do I get to kill people? Let me play the one that kills people.
Me: Uh...yeah okay. You don't get to kill "people", though.
Payton: Why not?
Me: Cuz you kill ducks.
Payton: What? Why?
Me: Cuz it's called Duck Hunt.
Payton: Oh.
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After about 2 rounds, Payton got tired and angry that he couldn't shoot the "stupid dumb annoying dog" and gave up. Caroline seemed upset because she said the dog wasn't realistic and sounded funny.
----------
Me: You sound funny.
Caroline: Let's play Mario!
Me: Okay.
Payton: Is it two-player?
Me: Yes.
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I set up the game and we started to play.
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Payton: I thought you said this was two-player.
Me: It is. You have to wait until Caroline dies. Then you're Luigi, and you get to play.
Payton: What? I have to wait?
Me: Yes. You have to wait.
Payton: (looks at me with a blank but saddened expression) Oh.
Caroline: Wait....you can't go backwards?!! I didn't get the mushroom thingy!
Me: Uh...yeah. You have to keep going forward.
Caroline: What?
---------
Five minutes went by and the kids started complaining that this was boring. I tried reasoning with them, explaining that there would be no "Mario Kart" or "Smash Brothers" without this game, that this was the first game with Mario (except for original Donkey Kong, but I didn't say that because that would just have confused them), and that I was playing this game before they were even a figment of their birth mother's imaginations. That made me feel old and grouchy, and I had a flash-forward to a future, unpleasant parenthood in the 2020s.
After this, we tried Marble Madness. They hated that one, and Caroline said the music was dumb and cheesy. That hurt pretty bad. I changed it to Master Blaster. Surely Payton would get into this one. Alas...he did not. Caroline complained that it was stupid that the car could jump, because cars can't jump. I told her that her back hand spring was stupid.
Finally, I gave up on the good old Nintendo and convinced the kids that the Sega was amazing, that it had even better graphics, and that their minds would be blown by Sonic. They skeptically agreed that I could set it up. Five minutes later, I had Mortal Combat going. Nicklaus came back downstairs and Payton went up to do homework. Nicklaus beat me at Mortal Kombat 4 times, all the while complaining that it looked stupid. Caroline kept wanting us to pick the girl. We finally did, just to make her happy, but everyone knows that Sonya sucks. She's so damn slow.
We eventually switched to Jurassic Park (not the impossible-to-beat top-down/3d-when-you're-in-the-buildings one for SNES, but the side scroller action one where you can be the Raptor or Grant.) Nick was the Raptor. He kept falling into the pit of sharp things and dying. He got bored after about 3 minutes.
I told them that we could play my favourite game. I put in Primal Rage. Nick had seen this one before because I had at one point taken the kids (along with Jordan) to Nickel-a-Play, a Denver version of Buffalo Nickel (you Amarskrillites will appreciate that reference...except at Nickel-a-play there are more games and all of them are free after you pay like a $4 admission fee. Awesome). So anyways, I cheated and was Vertigo (because I had to win back my honor from being brutally beaten by a first-timer at Mortal Kombat). Nick was Blizzard, and I ate him to death until his heart and brain exploded in a glorious gush of guts. (again with the alliteration....ooh boy I should win a prize.)
Anyways. That lasted 5 minutes. The kids were ready to stop, until I said, "Okay....surely you guys know Sonic." They did not. I loaded up Sonic 1, and started playing, showing them how cool it was that you could rush through the game and get all the rings and spin like a ball and stuff. They just stared. Caroline finally broke the silence.
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Caroline: Is that it?
Me: What? What do you mean.
Caroline: You just run?
Me: Uh...yeah.
Caroline: So you just run through?
Me: ...yeah....Yeah but you get the rings.
Caroline: ...uh huh....
Me: No...like, see, you get the rings. Like you go really fast, like a rollercoaster. And you get the rings and get them all and you win, see I just got to a checkpoint....see....
Nick: This is dumb.
Me: You're an inbred.
Nick: I'm going upstairs to play my Nintendo DS.
Me: Yeah okay whatever. Go feed your digital puppies. I'm gonna kill Dr. Eggman.
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Tonight....I felt old. And lonely. And cold. And those kids....those kids fart so much.
Classsic Nostalgia
Em Elliott
Oh, dear Blake Talley, thank you for lighting up my exam-studying night with this amazing story! You are my hero. I ran down the hall with my laptop and read the entire thing to my housemate Bekah who loves video games like none other. She ...would like me to inform you that if you are ever inclined to visit Virginia, she will abolutely play original Nintendo with you, especially because she was banned from playing it when she was four because she stepped on and broke her family's Nintendo.
Anyway, have a great night, and quit feeling old because that makes me super old.
And if you breath through your mouth, you don't smell the farts...just don't think about the fact that you're eating them instead :)
May 13 at 10:40pm
Dafydd Vaid YEAH!!!! You are on Facebook FIRE!!!
When are we going to see each other again, Blake?
Tell more stories!
May 13 at 11:32pm
Jordan Bailey
This sounds about right for your cousins. It's hard to get people excited about old school video games if they are used to the modern stuff... or maybe if they don't have nostalgic ties to it already.
Also... when you are double-alliteratin...g... you are on a "roll," not a "role." And it's 2020s, not 2020's... unless it is possessive. :) Love you.
May 14 at 12:21am
Blake Talley Yeah I can't believe I said "role" haha.
Thanks Emily that's awesome!! I'm really glad to brighten your day.
Dafydd...why yes....yes, I am. Thank you.
May 14 at 1:35am
Blake Talley K, I fixed my grammar issues. Thanks for looking out for me, babe.
Dudes....we are so close to beating Sagat in Street Fighter 2. It's really, really hard.
And then we still have M. Bison. SAhheesh.
May 14 at 1:36am
Blake Talley Oh, and Dafydd.....come see me in Denver!!
David....don't cry!! Kody....yeah I know.
May 14 at 2:00am
Joshua Green Be still and know that a special circle of heaven awaits us, brother. One adorned with "Candy Bar-Controllers" and jumping cars. And the only way to get around there is by side-scrolling.
May 14 at 2:35a
Cyndie Merillat Koetting
Damn that made me laugh...
inbred...
digital puppies...
...
Did you have to explain that too? If so,please make that the next installment of Blake and the Farting Kids...See More
May 14 at 7:59am
Kris Hounshell Collins loved it. and jordan, you capture my heart with your correct grammar and punctuation. i might have to adopt you now. just forgive me for no caps. i identify with ee cummings.
May 14 at 11:08am
Dafydd Vaid
I was really hoping that when I clicked "see more" on Cyndie Merillat Koetting's status that
inbred...
digital puppies...
...
was going to turn into a poem. You let me down, stranger.
Hey, Braxtol. I think I might be moving to Philly. But. I wanna come to Denver. That's where I first America-ed.See More
May 14 at 1:11pm
McKay Moran Yes, child. A REAL Nintendo. (favorite part #1)
Digital puppies. (favorite part #2)
May 14 at 1:59pm
Blake Talley
Hahaha what? America-ed?
Are you moving for that girl? Don't do that, Daf!!!!
and I feel like you and Cyndie may have met at one point.
...
HAGEN!!! AWESOME!!!
I'm editing this note and adding one part that I remembered today while playing Super Mario Brothers 2...alone...in my room....on a friday.....
I'm going to hit downtown tonight just so I feel better about myself. I don't know what I'll do, since I don't know anybody, but I'm going just the same. I love downtown Denver.See More
May 14 at 4:51pm
Dafydd Vaid I don't know no Cyndie. Unless she's one of those news-chum of yours that I got ass-of-myself-makingly drunk around or something...
May 14 at 5:15pm
Dafydd Vaid America-ed. I immigrated, remember?
And as for this lady of mine, I'm not giving up on my dreams or anything. We both left the same college, and we're both going to go back to school next year. Same plans. Good times. Good lovin'.
May 14 at 5:22pm
Luis Lujan Hahaha. What to say? You ask those kids if there are any games NOW that have a gun shaped controller, and then before they have a chance to answer, you say, "No, there aren't any, shut up!"
May 14 at 10:52pm
Cyndie Merillat Koetting
Dafydd...Ask and ye shall receive! (the no caps version is a gift for kris)
inbred...
digital puppies...
...
is it possible for digital puppies to be inbred...
the thought infiltrates my mind as i travel to the nintendo...
i listen to the farting children and contemplate the need to feed animals that only exist due to the electronic age...
i ponder their death...will it hurt when i cease to feed and water these ridiculous virtual animals...
the smile that crosses my face is manicial in nature...
the farting children will mourn the death of their digital pets, and that satisfies me for the briefest of moments...
i am content as i wander off to kill dr. eggman.See More
May 15 at 12:25am
Blake Talley
That's good Davth. Good. Weird, making your name into Davth made me think of Darth Vader.
Good times keep goin goin got to escape now.
Man I had an awesome night tonight. You wouldn't believe what I bought.
...
Brolin don't call me Beavis, Butthead.
Hahahaha Luis absolutely correct!!
WOW Cyndie you win. Amazing. My great friend Cyndie just wrote a poem for my great friend Dafydd based on an experience I had involving Nintendo. This is a great day. Night. Day.
May 15 at 1:48am
Dafydd Vaid Great friend status. It tastes good. Tastes like gingersnaps soaked in gatorade. Thanks for the poem, Crocodiledundee Meerkat Cutlery.
May 15 at 3:42am
Nathan Hand Great story! Perhaps they would have enjoyed the Atari more. "RiverRaid" was my favorite on that. Also, please note that I do get on Facebook sometimes!
May 19 at 10:15pm
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